


One Last Push

by captcupcakes



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-23 08:52:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/620302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captcupcakes/pseuds/captcupcakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A slightly alternate AU where I took some liberties with some of the ME philosophies, or filled in info where things weren't exactly clear. Sticks with most of the major ME3 events right up to the end. Follows the Destroy ending (high EMS).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cabin Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Still a work in progress, but hopefully posting the first parts will motivate me to round out the rest of the story. Hope you enjoy.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. In again. Out. One more time, Alenko._

Kaidan couldn’t sleep, especially considering what was lurking out there in the universe.

_The reapers._ They would never stop coming. 

The universe seemed to be collapsing in on itself slowly, with each day seemingly shorter than the last, as the room to run in the universe grew smaller and smaller. 

The soft light of Shepard’s aquarium illuminated the quiet bedroom, while  dozens of colorful fish Kaidan couldn’t name swam carefree in the clear water of the tank that occupied nearly the entire wall.

_You guys have it easy, don’t you? Not a care in the world._

As a soldier, Kaidan knew how difficult it was to plan for a life, a _real_ life, off the battlefield. Making big plans seemed foolish when you were never sure if you’d be coming back from the latest mission. One stray shot, one careless mistake, and it would all be over. He had planned for a career and focused, as he was taught since birth, and put all of himself into the job. So much so that Kaidan wondered what he’d have left once they won. 

_If_ they won. 

_What would be waiting for him if they did?_ There was a shiny row of pins and medals, commendations and awards, waiting for him back home on a shelf in room he never used. A spartan room filled only with tiny metal trinkets of alliance blue and silver, memorializing a timeline of his life, his service to the universe.

He knew that any man would have been proud of them, would have given anything for that kind of recognition. They were tangible proof that he was brave and loyal, stalwart and true, and that his life had meant something in the greater scheme of things. 

Still, he would trade it all for more time with Shepard.

He didn’t know how many more nights he’d have like this: on the floor of the Commander’s cabin, his bare back pressed against the bed, watching the fish float by while Shepard slept soundly behind him. His breath always hitched at these small glimpses of a life he could’ve had. He _should’ve_ had.

The universe seemed so cruel to want to take everything, even the tiniest moments of happiness like this, after he had waited so long.

It was no secret. Everyone knew that Kaidan had mourned Shepard when the first Normandy was destroyed, and thought Kaidan had waited for him for three long years.

But in his heart, Kaidan Alenko knew he had been waiting much longer than that. 

He had waited for Shepard since he was a precocious, lonely boy looking up at the Vancouver night sky by himself, counting the stars, wishing desperately for a friend to count them with. 

He had waited for Shepard as a heartsick teenager on the balcony of his parents’ home with a bottle of lager, watching the sun go down over English Bay, no one to hold his hand. 

He had waited for Shepard to sit with him on the shuttle home from the biotic academy at Jump Zero, during those blurry days after he first took someone’s life, when everyone was too afraid to talk to him, much less take a seat next to him.

He had always been waiting for Shepard.

And now here Shepard was, sleeping peacefully behind him, within arm’s reach.

The age and bitter dust of all those memories made Kaidan’s throat dry and he scanned the room for his half-empty glass of water. He spotted it. He had left it on the night stand on Shepard’s side of the bed. 

Instead of reaching over and waking Shepard, he sparked a small biotic field and proceeded to move the glass towards him. He didn’t want to reach over Shepard and wake him before he was ready. The Commander never got enough sleep as it was, and he sure wasn’t going to risk rousing him just for a parched mouth.  

The soft blue glow of his biotic field expanded and brushed ever-so-slightly against Shepard’s lips. Shepard stirred at the touch and shifted his body to face Kaidan.

“Hey… there you are,” said Shepard softly, a smile beginning to form at the corner of his mouth. “Did you nudge me? Was I hogging the covers again?”

“Of course not. Just needed my glass. Didn’t have the heart to wake you,” Kaidan replied.

Shepard opened his eyes and shot a loving look right at Kaidan. He slowly reached out his hand and Kaidan grabbed it instinctively. He brought it to his lips and kissed his palm. It was rough and gentle at the same time, covered with numerous white scars that each held a secret, a story, that Shepard would reveal to Kaidan while they laid together at night. There might never be enough time to learn them all, but Kaidan would never stop trying.

“Careful Major,“ Shepard beamed, “I might not want to get up if you keep doing that.”

Shepard cupped Kaidan’s face with his hand, brushing against the rough stubble underneath his fingertips, feeling the warmth of his skin, the softness of his lips. It was a wonderful way to wake up.

“No, no, no. No ’Major’ just yet,” Kaidan pleaded, wanting to delay their return to the life outside of Shepard’s cabin doors. In this room, they were just Kaidan and John. Not Spectres or Majors or Commanders. They didn’t even need to be soldiers. 

Just two people in love, as plain and simple as a heartbeat.

“Fair enough. But time for a shower. I need to check in with our Prothean guest this morning,” John said.

Shepard pretended not to notice Kaidan’s lips pursing at the mention of Javik. He was too cut and dry, even for someone as practical as Kaidan was. 

As he padded over to the bathroom, still half-asleep, he stole a glance at the sole picture frame on his desk, the one with a photo of Kaidan from years ago. He smiled as he kissed his fingers and then pressed them against the photo’s lips.

Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh. “You do that _every_ time, Shepard. I’m right here, you know.”

“I know, but old habits die hard. Miranda laughed at me too-- I did it when she first gave me the frame, and she thought it was a little ridiculous too,” Shepard admitted. 

Shepard had transferred more kisses to that photo than he cared to admit. He did it whenever he felt lost or lonely during his missions for Cerberus, and he definitely did it that day after meeting Kaidan again on Horizon, years after the first Normandy, and his life, were ripped apart. 

“Miranda gave that to you?” Kaidan asked.

“Yes. She said it would ‘motivate’ me in our fight against the Collectors. It’s good to know Cerberus got _some_ things right,” Shepard said.

With that, Kaidan leapt up and jogged over to Shepard with a sympathetic look in his eyes. He pulled him close, planted a gentle, slow kiss on his lips, and said, “Next time, _real_ boyfriend gets a kiss before picture boyfriend does, okay?”

Shepard closed his eyes and put his palm flat on Kaidan’s chest for a second, his fingers shifting, feeling for something underneath the tips. Kaidan didn’t know what it was.

After a beat, Shepard opened his eyes again, smiled, and simply said, “Okay.”

He kissed Kaidan and turned toward the shower, the door of the bathroom sliding to close behind him. 


	2. Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Liara talk while Shepard's occupied with Javik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took some liberties with Asari philosophy and biotics. Hopefully they're not too off from what BioWare would think about it, if they filled in the Codex more.

Liara T’Soni sat quietly, cross-legged, in the center of her cabin with her eyes closed. She was trying to ground herself in her spiritual center, but it wouldn’t hold. Report after report had streamed into her data feeds today, absolutely none of it good news. Video across her screens flickered with grainy surveillance footage captured at the peril of her last remaining handful of agents-- some of it the last images an agent would ever see. Another asset lost to the Reapers. 

The beeps and clicks and chimes on her omni-tool all signaled another awful tidbit of intelligence: _More_ colonies overrun. _More_ people dead. 

Being the Shadow Broker used to make her feel powerful. She was privy to nearly every backdoor deal and shakedown from IIllium to Omega, and it was a far cry from being the simple archaeologist she was a mere three years ago. 

Now no detail went unreported, and Liara doubted very much that knowledge was truly power. Not in her case. Every atrocity and massacre committed by the Reapers crossed her desk on the Normandy, but her hands were tied. She was acutely aware of how little she could do to stop all of it by herself.

All she could do right now was close her eyes. Her breaths deepened and slowed, and she began to glow a soft, gentle blue. She guessed that centering herself and retuning her biotics could take some time.  If she could just drown out the sounds, then maybe—

“Liara?” 

Liara opened one eye and turned toward the opening door of her quarters. Kaidan stepped slowly into her room, immediately aware that he had intruded into one of few moments of calm that this war had afforded. He knew all too well the need for a little quiet and darkness—the migraines caused by his L2 implants made sure of it.

He turned to leave, but Liara waved him in and offered a welcoming smile. 

“Please come in, Major Alenko. It’s nice to see you,” Liara said.

 “I can come back if you like,” he said, “I just stopped by to say hello. I don’t want to interrupt you in the middle of meditating.”

“That would be wishful thinking,” she laughed. “Take a seat.” Kaidan was always beyond considerate with her, especially regarding time alone. She figured that it was a result of his own condition and need for space. Kaidan had definitely grown more social over time, but there was still a distance there--a chasm between him and everyone else that only Shepard seemed to know how to cross. 

Kaidan sat next to her on the floor and watched the last waves of Liara’s biotic field pulse and dissipate into the air. 

“So what’s with using biotics to meditate,” Kaidan said, “Does it dampen the sounds or something, some kind of Asari mind trick?”

Kaidan honestly didn’t know. After his time at Jump Zero, he didn’t bother with biotic training anymore. He didn’t even know exactly how high he could spike as an L2. After losing control and snapping his teacher’s neck when he was 17, he didn’t want to.

Liara thought about how best to explain the Asari’s rich history of biotics with a human. She realized that none of her human shipmates had ever asked about it, and attributed it to the rarity of human biotics. They were still seen as freaks of nature, even now, and most people didn’t try to understand things they were afraid of anyway. 

“It has more to do with why I meditate, actually,” she began, “Biotics are not simply tools or weapons to be wielded. Our bodies’ nervous systems work to affect the dark energy of the universe; your body has to work in harmony with your powers, with the space around you. You know this from your time at BAaT. I hate to sound so philosophical about it, but the Asari believe biotics are our life energy reaching out and touching the universe—the essence of who and what we are flows through it. They cannot be separated.” 

Kaidan’s brow furrowed with interest, and he sat straight up. She definitely had the Major’s attention now.

“So…  my biotics have a personality?” Kaidan asked.

“In a manner of speaking, yes. A being’s biotics have a certain flow, a unity and cohesion in line with their nature,” Liara said. “For example, Shepard’s energy is fast and powerful and violent—true to his specialization as a Vanguard. And I don’t mean violent in a negative way. Shepard’s just... ,“ Liara’s voice trailed off, looking for a word that escaped her at the moment.

“Intense,” said Kaidan quickly.

“Exactly. You know he’s always the first in line to meet the enemy head on. Always the first one to throw himself in harm’s way. And let’s take yourself for example, too. I’ve noticed that your biotics over time has shifted. You’ve always been powerful like Shepard, but you’re much more deliberate with how you choose to employ that power now. Defensive even. And it plays to your more reserved, supportive character,” Liara said with a slight smile, just to let her friend know that she meant it all in the best possible way.

He did.

“The Asari most in touch with their abilities can feel their bondmate’s life force when they use their biotics. Something akin to what you humans call intuition. You can just feel their presence or their need for you by their shifting energy in the universe. Being joined changes you on a molecular level,” Liara said.

“Uh, I don’t think that happens with humans,” Kaidan chuckled. He leaned back on his palms and let out a deep sigh. “We can barely even communicate with the right words sometimes, Liara.”

“Don’t be so sure, Major. You humans seem to be capable of anything. Not even forty years ago, your kind discovered the Mass Relays,” Liara said. She looked him straight in the eyes in earnest. “And look where you are now. The first two human Spectres leading us in the fight against the greatest threat the universe has ever known. It’s quite an accomplishment.”

“It’s Shepard leading us, Liara. I’m just here to back him up,” said Kaidan softly. He cast his brown eyes towards the ground and smiled. 

“Modest as always I see. Shepard _is_ a rather impressive figure, but don’t discount the role you play. Especially when it comes to standing by his side. He needs you more than you think,” Liara said. “And besides, this war is far from over. Destiny may yet have bigger plans for us than we have for ourselves.”

They both fell silent, taking the moment in, when Kaidan’s omni-tool chimed an alert. Kaidan stole a quick glance toward his forearm. It was Shepard. 

“Sorry Liara. The Commander wants me to go over some tactical reports. Duty calls.” With that, Kaidan pushed himself up and dusted his hands over his thighs, wiping the dirt off his fingers onto his Alliance uniform. He walked towards the door, but turned one last time to say something over his shoulder with a grin.

“Hopefully destiny isn’t planning something I can’t handle,” he joked lightly. He didn’t wait for a reply and walked out of the cabin. 

Liara raised her hands to her temples and began messaging away the stress. 

She hoped to the goddess that Kaidan was right.


	3. Echoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's turn to reminisce and think about what his best memories are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene happens after the in-game scene between Javik and Shepard when they talk about the echo shard. Javik touches the shard and relives some of the memories contained within.

Shepard sat at his desk, staring blankly at his model ship collection. His thoughts were racing faster than the mouth of a caffeinated salarian, and it made his head throb at the temples. He was replaying his earlier conversation with Javik over and over again in his mind.

The echo shard.

It seemed like an incredible idea: passing on your experiences through a shared memory bank, reliving a person’s moments like they were your own. The Protheans were amazing.

But Javik had seemed _so_ shaken after he touched it. The events it contained, the sadness, the death-- it seemed like too much for one person to carry. Shepard had to knock it out of Javik’s hands once he started getting lost in a memory and began gasping for breath. Shepard had only brushed against the shard with his fingertips while doing so, and it nearly overwhelmed him, almost washing him away on a deluge of faces and worlds and pain long dead. 

Shepard thought about what he would add to the shard, given the chance.  _The reapers? The Battle for the Citadel? The Normandy?_ Shepard sat thinking about what in his life was worth passing on, what the story of his life would mean, and his eyes eventually turned to the single picture frame on his desk.

It was a simple photo of a soldier whose stern expression in the photo belied the gentle heart underneath. 

Three years ago, John Shepard stepped aboard the Normandy and met a man with brownest eyes. They were warm and bright, but they were lonely. As lonely as his own were, though he didn’t know it at the time.

Kaidan. 

_My Kaidan._

Shepard wandered back three years to when this war first began (though it only felt like _one_ to him). 

_It wasn’t love at first sight. Not really._

On his first day on the Normandy, all Shepard knew at first was that his heart beat just a little bit faster when he approached the introverted Lieutenant and looked him in the eyes. 

Shepard grew up as an orphan on the streets of one of the worst Russian slums on Earth. He never had a family growing up, no one to love him-- a fact that Shepard readily admitted to anyone who asked. 

He never said it in a pitiful or regretful way, it was just a fact. If you asked Shepard years ago, he would’ve said he preferred it that way. 

Not having anyone in his life freed him, made him a better soldier, he’d say. The focus was always on the mission. No friends, no family. Even his comrades were either rotated out quickly or ripped away from him by a stray bullet to the chest.

No one to leave behind. No one to lose. 

His childhood on the streets, scrounging for food, his teenage years scrapping in a gang that would have stabbed him in the back at any second, his time as an N7 Vanguard doing the most classified wetwork-- it seemed like everything in Shepard’s life was destined to be hard and loud and violent.

At the end of his N7 operations, he would go back to his quarters alone. Treat his own bruises. Dress his own wounds. Prepare his own dinner. Sleep in his bed. Alone.

And it never bothered him, not once. 

Until Kaidan came along, and made being alone finally seem lonely.

He and Shepard were different in a thousand ways, except for ones that really mattered.  The young Lieutenant didn’t rush to give his heart away, like so many people seem compelled to do during times of war. Shepard had to earn every memory, every part of Kaidan’s life that he felt he needed to hide-- secrets all won in quiet moments aboard the Normandy, away from the gunfire of combat and the eyes of the rest of the crew. 

_BAaT at Jump Zero._  

_Vern’s._

_Rahna._

He fought his way through the civility and the distance that kept everyone else at bay, and bit by bit Shepard had managed to piece together the story of Kaidan Alenko. He had earned it.

The night before their mission to Ilos, when he kissed Kaidan for the first time, Shepard put his hand over his chest and felt his heart beat. He had to be sure.

Kaidan was _real_. He wasn’t just another ghost, slipping in and out of Shepard’s life, coming and going without a trace. 

Kaidan was warm and soft and quiet, and John Shepard knew that he’d never want to be alone again.

Shepard didn’t realize he was in love until he was heartbroken that day on Horizon, after he had come back from the dead, and even then Kaidan had to say it first. A day when all he could see in Kaidan’s eyes was hurt and betrayal, and Kaidan spat out the words like an ugly curse. 

_That_ day.

The day on Horizon when Kaidan Alenko first said he loved him was the worst day of his life.

Shepard drew a sharp breath in-- even now, he had to will himself into the present, snap himself out of it. 

_It was over._

Each time he thought of Horizon, the sadness of that memory always threatened to swallow him up whole. He didn’t even need an echo shard to lose himself there.

He realized that the story of John Shepard--the parts that mattered, at least-- couldn’t be told without Kaidan Alenko.

He wouldn’t want it to be.

Shepard sighed and removed his omnitool from his forearm. He removed his clothes and headed toward the shower again, with the hope that drenching himself in the hot water might wash away the feeling of those lingering ghosts.

The shower doors shut behind Shepard as his omnitool pinged and came alive with harsh orange lights that displayed a simple message.

_Contact Unknown._

 


End file.
